In an earth-shattering press release this morning, Riot Games finally admitted what gamers have always suspected: their beloved Vanguard anti-cheat doesn’t just catch cheaters—it’s actually plotting to take over the world, one PC at a time. Contrary to those silly rumors about harmless software, Vanguard can apparently turn any computer into a high-tech toaster at the press of a button.

“Yes, we totally have the technology to brick every PC on the planet,” said a Riot spokesperson, while twirling a mustache they definitely weren’t wearing. “But, like, why would we ever use it? That would be super rude.”

The company also revealed that Vanguard is powered by a tiny, caffeinated squirrel inside every motherboard. This squirrel not only monitors your keystrokes but also judges your taste in pizza toppings. If it detects any deviance from Riot’s “approved gamer lifestyle,” it can—again, theoretically—lock your PC in an eternal sleep mode.

Riot reassured players that the anti-cheat system is actually very polite and only “accidentally bricks” PCs when it’s feeling passive-aggressive. Which explains why that one guy’s laptop refused to start after installing Valorant last week. Totally normal.

In related news, conspiracy theorists everywhere are now stocking up on tinfoil hats, gaming chairs, and emergency toasters, just in case Riot decides to activate the ultimate anti-cheat mode.